It has came to me that I still do behave not manly... Even if I have hit the gym, changed walking style, took note of my gestures. I still look like my old self.
This has brought to the light when I started Relief Teaching in a Secondary School. My gestures and voice appeared very not manly. And this behaviour is commonly known as ″Sissy″.
I really have no fucking idea that I appear as such. I have been telling my mind to change the way I behave ever since Secondary 1. But after 14 years, I then realised I have not changed a single bit. Perhaps the only change I have undergone was my mind, but my body was still the same. My friends started telling me it is probably due to my subconscious. But why my subconscious take over the control over my body?
And just yesterday when I was taking my IPPT, my heart was racing like a bullet train. However, my mind was like saying is just a normal test that I took every fucking year. Why is my heart beat so damn fast? And of course that heartbeat of mine affected my overall performance. I really do not know why my body reacted that way. Is that subconscious acting up again? Does my body has its own conscious? Or do I really have a hidden split personality hidden within myself? A feminine soul? I was really thinking if I should just visit a psychiatrist to dig out the hidden soul...
All these thoughts just began to flash across my mind during my test.
I hated my subconscious. I really wanted to get rid of this sissiness. Just want to behave like a normal guy... And I finally realised why no girls ever looked at me like a guy...
Should I just accept the way I am now? Be myself?
How can I behave ″myself″ when I do not even consider that as myself?
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