The Period when Motivation became Apathy

I still remember how I was so looking forward to University Life during my NS Stage of Life. The life of Secondary School and JC were full of fond memories that I'm sure that I will live my Uni Life to the fullest too.

I was foolish.

I was still foolishly clinging to this belief till Year 3, thinking all the hardwork and stress are necessary for us to break our limit and become a better person. As I reached Year 4, my sight was lost. Into the deep maze of a dense forest.

Then I realised, school life will only be sweet in sec and JC ONLY. University is the real National Service. The training of putting you into a slightly less harsh battlefield. The only difference is that it is not about the battle of firepower, but is the battle of wits. Is not about the fittest survives, is about the smartest survives. This is because they the ones who can be the top of the bellcurve, while putting down all the less smart people, who happened to be me.

I not sure if my depression hit me a little, but suddenly I realised in Year 4, I was surrounded by many smart people. And they happened to be my close friends or probably-more-than-an-acquaintance friends in uni. I not even sure why I was surrounded by these people and yet my intelligence level still stayed the same, or worse, was being plunged down. I not even sure if it was my fault for not exploiting their mind, or they were actually devil in disguise, trying to understand on the general market around them and find somewhere to spoil the whole market in the end. I was this close to think that they were not my friends anymore.

I always think ideally and not facing the reality. Perhaps I was still trying to find the good thing about the life in such a competitive society. By the time, I typed till this stage, I actually conceded defeat in this kind of life. In my mind, I keep thinking of escaping and living in a rural area, where there is no competition. In other words, I have already lost the competition by raising the white flag first.

I really do not understand why the university system has to be in this way. Especially the exam, when most of the lecturers have to keep their exam papers and questions enclosed so that they can use it for the next examination. In the end, students have less questions to practise on. COME ON! I mean practice makes perfect! How can you expect students to excel with the lack of sufficient practise? Keep reading the theories isn't going to help without trying the problems on their own!!! That is how I also realised only the smartest survive. Because there ARE people who can just understand the lecture or the reading materials in just a click without having to really practise it. Those are the people the society is looking for. Unfortunately, I am a slow learner, who can only understand most of the stuff by having practising and to have the concepts deep rooted in my mind.

I not even sure if it was too late to realise this in my Final Year in Uni. Nevertheless, I am still thankful that I still have some of my true friends standing beside me to help me along the way.

Now facing the next cruelty, the main problem I need to face upon graduation: The root of all evil. Money. The issue that has been haunting me since the day I was born. Having to be able to escape for the past 20 years or so, now I have to face the music. Wishing myself luck.